dylan harris’s honest cv

I was supposed to have been the world’s first singing brontosausus, but this proved difficult because, at birth, I couldn’t sing, and I wasn’t a brontosausus. Since I couldn’t have the life I expected, a stunning starstruck century of singing incredible chanson and eating delicious treetops, I did what everyone does when plans go awry, I made do.

I was born with the ability to sing using brontosaurus vocal chords. This works less well with human vocal chords. Even so, it has given me a career. I am an animal remover. I sing, they run. So do quite a lot of people, actually. It’s not that I scare them, it’s more that I so torment their taste they have to escape.

I am employed by the East Grestin city authorities. I drive pests out, especially pigeons, rats and tourists. I am happy with my job.

My voice would normally depress me, but I sound good when accompanied by swanee whistle & kazoo. The locals here like country & western music. I fit right in.

I take occasional freelance jobs. I am very flexible, and, for sufficient lucre, can forget my delicate, sophisticated and refined morals. I’m proud of my role in a famous animal documentary: I sang to some lemmings, they jumped off a cliff. My main regret is the sound engineer followed them.

I am always willing to consider reasonable opportunities. Please contact me if you have something interesting.

With apologies to Lucas Pope.