angst cycle (iii)
[M]

now at last
the postmortem
can begin

let’s start there
this is not the first time
although it’s the first
for a long time

being led on
sometimes deliberately
sometimes
like this
it’s more complex

i’ve been caught before
i hope i’m never
never never never never
caught again

the pain is horrible
and about the only thing
gained

i am acting like an animal
injured
retreating into a small space
to mend

so i’m dropping contacts
not because they’ve committed wrong
because they sharpen the pain
the social pain

it’s far more raw than that
social pain
i’ve been led
against my own judgement
fucking useless that was
and i’ve been forced to mourn
it is as strong as the mourning
at the death of close
but at least that faded

i’ve been led to
intense emotional pain
again
why
i don’t understand the gain to anyone
i don’t understand why it even exists
i don’t understand
for that matter
why i’m led
and when i respond
i’m get kicked
why lead me on at all
what’s the point

for god’s sake
someone
tell me the fucking point
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT

hrmph
shouting

anyway
i’ve cut
and i think i grew so nasty
that this time
the cut
will be held

but really
at the key moment
giving me a story
with obvious falsehoods

what did she expect
that i’d just accept it

perhaps my constructions from it
criminal intent
were inventive
perhaps it was simple bad character
but really
a story
with obvious falsehoods
is not a story to give someone
you’ve just injured
who’s searching for a cause

it wasn’t simple bad character
the story as described is a lie

a rather useful one
that i wonder if i’ll use
here